The real reason you don’t have the love that you deserve isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted the guy after the date to thank him.

Here’s the hard truth: you picked someone who would leave you before you even went out on that date. Before you even spoke to this man, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartache. But the good news is, you can change your “Love Picker” and turn on your “Love Switch.”

Why do we pick the wrong people? There is a subconscious part of us that draws us to particular people who trigger a familiar feeling. We think it’s chemistry when the fireworks go off, but what’s actually happening is that your inner drama queen is having a field day. You’re bored with the nice guys and crave attention from the man who acts disinterested. Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone “nice” and that could very well be true. If you don’t change your mate selection mechanism, you will subconsciously choose the same heartache every time. You will ignore the obvious red flags, believing, that “this relationship” will be different … but nothing changes.

The key to finding true love is to discover the mechanism in your subconscious (we call it your inner Adam or Eve), which fits like a puzzle piece with potential partners. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight, or your personality; you just need to shift your piece of the puzzle. When your puzzle piece shifts, you will see that the men or women you meet will start to change as well. You can have conscious chemistry with someone who wants commitment and love just like you. You will feel the fireworks, but it won’t be followed by a night of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch (unless you and your partner enjoy sweet treats together).

There are a few ways to change your “Love Picker.” In fact, your subconscious mind is always giving you clues on how to change it. It keeps bringing you heartache so that you can finally make an adjustment.

You may not have known that you can change it before today, but here is how:

1. Break bad patterns

Look for common themes in your relationships and figure out where the patterns have their roots. Try to identify the underlying fear you likely have of actually getting close to someone. Face the fear so you can break the bad pattern

2. Pay attention to your dreams

Your dreams are a treasury of insight and information to guide you on your journey to a fulfilling relationship. They speak to you in symbolic language so you need to journal about them and follow your inner guidance.

3. Create an inner dialogue

Work with your subconscious mind by visualizing and facing the part of you that acts as the picker. Ask yourself questions and trust the answers that come to you.

4. Get a guide

Hire a coach that specializes in subconscious work. This is the fastest way to get yourself aligned with love.

Once you shift your subconscious even slightly, you will see a huge difference in who you’re attracted to and who is attracted to you. You may even notice that more opportunities will show up to meet nice guys, and that friends will come out of nowhere to introduce you to someone worthy.

The bottom line is that you don’t have to worry about saying the right things or playing the dating game. Your picker, if well-tuned, will always give you the love match you most desire. Isn’t that much easier than wondering if you should wait three days to call him?

You don’t have to be a marriage counselor to know that love is mysterious. And by mysterious I mean frustrating, joyful, heartbreaking, and breathtakingly, soul-stealingly gorgeous — all at the same time. Love breaks your door down and romantically sweeps you up, whether you want it or not. Love can prod you into fury, into agony, and into elation — sometimes all in the same day. When you’re in love you feel like you’re living in a perfect dream.

And then it can steal away as mysteriously as it came. You come home one day from grocery shopping to find that the passion’s paled into a wisp; Your once enchanting lover is now ignoring you in favor of obsessively scrolling through twitter, leaving fingernail clippings on the coffee table, and responding in distracted grunts.

What the heck happens to us? Why are we attracted to opposites, until they make us crazy? Why do we obsess over our beloved? Why does romantic love fade even as our attachment gets stronger? Why can anti-depressants totally change your relationship? What can we possibly do to keep love from withering in the boredom and banality of life?

Most marriage counselors and relationship coaches didn’t know the answer either, until Dr. Helen Fisher came along to flip the lights on and illuminate the mysterious nature of love.

Understanding Romantic Love

Through decades of research as a biological anthropologist, Dr. Fisher has uncovered the ancient secrets of love. (As in, monkey-brain ancient). Her groundbreaking work has revealed just how old, powerful, and biologically-based romantic love is through brain-image scanning.

For example, the drive for love lives in the same part of your brain as the drive for water and warmth. You know how, when you’ve been in love, it’s totally consumed you? You’re not imagining it: She’s shown that your brain is actually wired that way. Why do you feel like you’re going crazy when you break up, or when your attachment is threatened? Because romantic love has a lot in common with drug addiction.

There’s more: Through her work with Match.com and Chemistry.com Dr. Fisher has collected data from literally millions of people, and shown how your biologically based personality style determines your ideal lover. She has also helped us understand the biological basis of sex and love addiction, and the mechanisms at work in love, lust, and attachment. Her research pioneered new insights around how to de-mystify the love experience, and how to intentionally keep it alive for the long haul.

She’s given TED talks, written books, published articles in peer-reviewed journals: And now she’s here talking to you, on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast.